17
The throne room doors close as the Jade Emperor wipes the sweat from his brow, sticks his arms out as Randy unlatches the breastplate, a swirling dragon with emerald eyes. “So I lost his daughter. He’s got three more.” Randy unbuckles his leggings and tucks them under his arm. “He’s lucky I even let him up here after what he did.” He lifts his foot as Randy bends to remove his boot. ”Buddha sitting under a tree, trying to reach enlightenment and what does he do? Sends his daughters to have sex with him.”
The Jade Emperor, fully stripped, stands naked in the hallway.
“I suppose,” Randy unfolds a robe and drapes it over him, “we all have our jobs to do.”
“And he has the nerve to come up here and lecture me. The guy that prostitutes his daughters.” Randy gathers the armor with some difficulty and follows behind. “I look out for a lot of people. Losing one or two is understandable. You know what’s not understandable?”
“The daughter thing, your majesty?”
”That’s right. The daughter thing.”
The narrow hall opens to a rotunda. A blue-domed ceiling with a thousand stars sparkle down to a ceramic cow, its head bent to the ground. A woman in flowing robes sits on top, her hand curling around on one of his horns, her glazed eyes fixed to the glass ceiling above. The Jade Emperor stops in front of her as Randy waits patiently behind.
”Do you have one?”
“A daughter?” Randy’s eyebrows raise. “Heavenly servants are not allowed.”
“I meant, when you were alive?”
Randy kneels, carefully places the armor on the floor.
“Are you thinking about your daughter, your majesty?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” The Jade Emperor frowns, walks to one of the many stained glass windows. A dragon is inlaid, its scales curving around in various shades of green glass. He rubs the clear oval eye with his cuff, peers down to the courtyard below then scratches his head. “When did we get a pool?”
“Your majesty?”
“There’s a pool in the middle of the road.” He strains to get a better look. “Open this window at once.”
“These are Heavenly Windows,” Randy says walking over. “They are not made to open.”
He traces the sill with his hand looking for a knob or a lever.
”Who makes windows that don’t open?”
Before he can answer, three soldiers burst into the room carrying a soaking wet Jikoku-ten and Darlene. Throws them to the floor.
Face covered in BBQ sauce
the broken neck of a guitar
Jikoku-ten bows before them
his black caterpillar mustache
drooping to the floor
the wet silk clinging to his body
as the smell of margarita mix
and cheap tequila
wafts through the air
“Your majesty,” he says touching his head to the ground then forgetting to come back up. Darlene is busy fishing in her pants, pulls out a wet pack of cigarettes, plucks one and tries to light it.
“What do you think you’re doing?” The Jade Emperor stands over her. She narrows her eyes then continues to light it. “You’re soaking wet,” he offers. “Besides, you can’t smoke here.”
She gets to her feet.
“Are you saying this is one of those non-smoking castles?”
“This is heaven. You can’t smoke in heaven!”
“Not even fifteen feet from the door?”
“Who in the hell…” He looks at The Heavenly King. “Get him up.”
The soldiers lift him as Darlene circles The Jade Emperor, wet cigarette in her mouth.
“You in charge here?” She looks him up and down. “It’s lunchtime and you’re still in your pajamas.”
”This is a Heavenly Robe and I’m The Jade Emperor!”
“Mr. Heaven,” Randy bows.
“Mr. Heaven,” he corrects himself.
“So you’re The Jade Emperor?” Darlene shrugs. “Thought you’d be taller.”
He straightens his posture.
“I can assume any earthly appearance I want.”
”Oh,” her lighter flicks a few more times. “So you choose to look this way?” She walks to the window. “Tell you what. We’ll meet halfway. I’ll open a window and you can stand there and watch me smoke.” She looks for a handle then pushes on the glass.
The Jade Emperor watches her then walks over, leans against the stone wall.
“What do you think of this window?”
Darlene throws a quick glance.
“It’s fancy.”
“You like it?”
Darlene looks again.
“No. It’s stupid. You can’t see out of it and it won’t open.”
He nods, looks over to Randy.
“Get this woman a cigarette.”
He rushes out as Darlene wanders the room then circles back, stops in front of the cow sculpture.
“Who’s this?”
”My daughter.”
”Your daughter’s a cow?”
“The one on top of the cow.”
Darlene crosses her arms.
”Pssshtt. I don’t know how this heavenly shit works.” She cocks her head and looks into the ceramic eyes of the girl. “So your daughters a statue?”
“Look, there’s nothing magical here. It’s just a statue of my daughter.”
”Why’s she sitting on a cow?”
”It’s her husband.” Darlene raises an eyebrow. “He’s not actually a cow. He’s a cow herder. It’s symbolic. You understand symbolism right?”
”No. I get it. Princess slummin’ it with the mortals. Thought it was just gonna be a fling then she turns out to love the bastard and now you’re stuck with him.”
“Something like that.”
“You tellin’ me this whole room is just for this dumb statue?” She shakes her head. “Rich people.” Walks around looking at the stained glass windows punched into the stone walls. “What’s with all the dragons?”
“It’s kind of my thing.”
She runs her finger over the teeth, white fangs that lead to a sea of blue glass.
“Flamingos are better.”
“Better than dragons?”
“Course they are. For one, they’re real.”
”Dragons are real!”
”Says the man wearing pajamas.”
”Dragons are real. Flamingos are ridiculous. They have those weird jointed legs. Tell me one good thing about Flamingos?”
“They’re monogamous.”
”Oh, so that’s a good thing?”
Darlene rolls her eyes.
“What’s so great ‘bout dragons? They horde a bunch of money and kidnap women they can’t satisfy.”
”Dragons don’t horde money. They control the seas.”
Randy comes back holding a long Ceremonial Heavenly Cigarette.
“This is all I could find.”
The Jade Emperor takes it with both hands and gives it to Darlene who puts one end in her mouth as he lights it. She takes a few puffs.
“I’m from Florida, or, at least, lived there long enough to call myself a Floridian. Watched my fair share of ‘Shark Week’ and can’t say I ever remember seeing a dragon poking his nose up from the deep.”
The Jade Emperor turns to Randy.
”Who is this?”
Jikoku-ten is on his feet, pushes the guards away, tries to regain his composure.
“This is Darlene. She’s the friend of Monkey’s who got…” He puts his hand to his head like a gun and shoots himself.
“You can say it out loud!” She points to the hole in her head. “It’s not a big fucking secret.”
The Jade Emperor waves him off and the guards grab Jikoku-ten and drag him out of the room.
“So you’re the reason we’re in this mess.” He folds his arms. “We can’t let you come back from the dead and wander around. You know all our secrets.”
“I don’t know shit and besides,” she leans in, “I’m good at keeping secrets.” Takes a drag. “Besides, whaddya think I’m gonna tell people? Went to heaven and instead of being a paradise of infinite pleasures, it’s actually just a bunch of Asian men in pajamas who don’t even have enough sense to put in a pool.”
“We have a pool.”
“Now you do!” She blows a smoke ring that hangs over his head like a halo. “So, you’re just going to keep me up here?” She opens the nearest door. Peeks inside. “In one of these rooms?” Opens it wider and steps in. “This ain’t bad.”
“That’s Mr. Heaven’s room,” Randy says running over to stop her.
The Jade Emperor waves him off and follows as Darlene looks through his collection of Americana, the Betty Boop alarm clock, salt and pepper shakers in the shape of boobs, an autograph of Michael Jackson next to a coonskin cap. He lays down in bed, picks up a remote, pushes a button and the bed starts to move, his feet rising in the air. Darlene ignores him. Opens a closet door.
“I’m not sleeping with you, but…” she closes the door and walks over. “I could stay here.” Stands over him and sticks a finger in his face. “You hear me?” He nods in approval. “Ok then.” Darlene smiles and calls over to Randy. “I’m going to need a bed that’s not so stupid,” she says pointing. “You got anything in this place that doesn’t have dragons on it?”
Down in the Heavenly Storage Facility, a switch is flicked. The bulb buzzes, kicks on, as a harsh yellow light floods a long narrow hall lined with corrugated storage doors as far as the eye can see. Darlene pulls open the first and peers inside. The Jade Emperor hovers behind.
“This is the leftovers from the last Heavenly Peach Banquet,” he says kicking a papier-mâché peach across the room. Darlene picks up a pair of sparkly transparent wings and a gold lamé bodysuit.
“I’m taking this,” she says tucking it under her arm.
The next room is empty except a red glowing stone sitting on a pedestal, flames and horrific faces carved all the way down
“I forgot about this. The Jade Emperor picks up the stone. “If you hold this and concentrate everyone on earth bursts into flames.” He sets it back down. “There was this one year I thought, why not kill everyone?” He looks over at Randy. “But someone talked me out of it.”
“Mmhmm,” Darlene picks it up. “Is that someone your wife?”
“You know I’m allowed to have as many wives as I want?”
“Oh, good for you.” She turns the stone over in her hand. “That way you can have a fortress full of disappointed women.” She sets it back down, runs her finger over the screaming face. “Cool color. Reminds me of my lava lamp.”
“Are we done here,” Randy asks, “or are we going to…”
“I want a wand,” Darlene says looking at her outfit. “Everyone has a magic weapon. I want a wand.”
The Jade Emperor opens another door, digs through a cardboard box then pulls out a metal rod with a glass sparkly translucent star on the end, pink and gold streamers hang down.
“I want a real one.”
“This is a real one.”
Darlene takes it.
“How do I use it?”
“I don’t know. I’m not a fairy.”
She considers this.
“I’m gonna change,” then waves him away. “Out.”
She pulls the door down, there’s some rustling then the door pulls back up. Darlene walks out in her gold lamé bodysuit, her gut hanging out, holding her wand, her translucent fairy wings hanging off her back. She adjusts them, looks in a floor-length mirror leaning against a stack of boxes.
“This is stupid.” Her lower lip turns down. “Who am I kidding? I’m not magic. I’m just a dumb girl playing dress-up.”
The Jade Emperor puts his arm around her.
“No. This is a good start. I can see it now. Darlene, Queen of…” he holds his hand up and moves it across like a shooting star, “…something.” He squeezes her shoulder. “We’ll figure it out,” then looking over to Randy. “Are there any openings?”
Randy pulls a piece of parchment from his sleeve and consults the list.
“There’s, hmmm, looks like there’s an opening for the God of small cups.”
“Small cups?”
”Little cups people use for different things.”
”Like a shot glass?”
”More like a teacup or a little glass you might put a flower in.”
She shakes her head.
”What else you got?”
“There’s…lets’s see, the God of Algebra. We don’t have that spot filled. Oh. Here’s a good one. The God of Cancer. Lots of people get cancer. So, plenty of work.”
“God of Cancer?” Darlene drops her wand to her side. “I want to be the God of something cool like crossbows or alligators.”
“You know what,” The Jade Emperor says walking to the main door. “Leave this to us. We can find something better. We just have to make room for new blood and you can’t make room without getting rid of the old. Know what I mean?”
“I guess so,” Darlene lifts her wand a little. “I’m gonna practice my wand stuff, so…I need my privacy.”
She walks down the hall and slams the door, leaving the two of them alone in the hall.
“Isn’t she wonderful?”
Randy turns to him and sighs.
“She’s certainly unique.”
Darlene stands in front of a mirror, one hand on her gut as she turns this way and that. She strikes different fairy poses, waves her wand around but nothing happens, throws it on the bed and slouches, starts to cry then stops, grabs her hair with both hands and pulls on it.
“Get your shit together Darlene.”
She wipes her face, picks up her wand, looks back in the mirror.
“Darlene. Darling. Can I come in? I’ve got the perfect job for you. One of the peach fairies quit just now, so you can guard the royal peaches. Isn’t that great?”
“It’s quite an honor,” she hears Randy say through the door.
“What do I do?”
“Just watch over the immortal peaches and help the other fairies with their fairy duties. Flying around and sprinkling glitter. Stuff like that.”
“Just don’t eat them,” Randy interjects.
“I could do that,” Darlene says a little more upbeat. Opens the door. “But I ain’t your ‘darlin’,” she says looking at The Jade Emperor, “and I ain’t gonna eat your stupid peaches,” she says looking at Randy. “Don’t want this shit to go on any longer than it has to.”
Wrought iron gates
guard the Heavenly Immortal Peach Garden
stone walls in the shape of tree trunks
push out from the ground and squeeze together
a family of doves
flutters as the gates open
the peach fairies turning their heads
seeing the heavenly emperor
they fall gracefully from the clouds
a shimmer of auspicious pink and gold mist trailing behind
they bow before him
green and red and yellow dresses
with long translucent tails
drape around their arms
gold bands hug their foreheads
their dark hair pulled into buns
as their eyes dart to Darlene
and pierce every pore
as she stands
cigarette in hand
pulling on her gold lamé wedgie
“Ladies,” the Jade Emperor says, “this is Darlene. She’s going to be replacing…the uh…the blue one. What was her name?”
“Melisandre,” the red one says.
“So, show her the ropes and make sure she feels at home.”
Darlene watches as The Jade Emperor and Randy close the gates behind them. With effortless grace, the fairies rise in the air, lounge on the branches of a nearby tree. “Come on up,” one of them calls. Darlene looks at her wand then up to the fairies high in the tree.
“I can’t fly.”
“No? That’s too bad. Fairies lounge in trees,” the green one says.
“C’mon up,” the yellow one says beckoning. “I’m sure you can figure it out.”
Darlene waves her wand around then walks over to the tree trunk and looks to see if there’s any way to climb. She sticks the wand down the neckline of her bodysuit and grabs onto a low hanging branch, tries to swing her leg around but misses. She tries again, makes it, pulls herself up, her outfit catching on the bark as the Immortal Peach Tree secretes a thick sap leaving a heart-shaped stain on her left boob.
“God damn it.” She tries to wipe it off but it only makes her hand sticky. The branches grow thinner, the higher she climbs. She stops halfway up, the fairies delicately balancing on the highest branches thirty feet above. “I can’t go any further,” she says. “On account of my fat ass.” The fairies laugh and exchange glances. Darlene rolls her eyes. “If you think you’re teaching me a lesson, I already know I’m not a god damn ballerina so why don’t you come down so we can talk?”
“What would we have to say to you?” the green one says peering through the leaves.
“I don’t know. Tell me what I should be doing or something.”
“Don’t eat the peaches and stay out of our way,” the yellow one says. “Can you manage that?”
Darlene sighs, straddles the branch, pulls out her wet cigarettes and arranges them in a row so they can dry. Looks back up,
“Fucking fairies.”
They whisper to one another then fly around in circles then land next a house nestled in a grove of trees. The yellow one beckons Darlene with a finger.
“What do they think I’m stupid? I’m not going in there.” She looks down at her row of wet cigarettes. “Ah what hell..” She puts them in her pack and climbs down, limb by limb, slow walks over as they push through the door and enter the house.
Bottles of specimens
jars of earth and sticks and delicate leaves
baskets of colored feathers
bolts of silk shimmer in the corner
exquisite wood carved cupboards
with tiny ceramic knobs
beveled glass cabinets
brushed apothecary bottles filled with
brown and yellow and clear liquids
They sit around a small sewing table
three slender chairs for their slender backs
mixing potions and covering them in soft furs
and emerald moss
as Darlene stands
arms crossed
looking at their magic
“Darlene,” the red one says, “would you mind getting us some coffee? It’s in the kitchen.” She tilts her head not looking up as she ties a gold bow around a bottle filled with a translucent rainbow. “You know how to make coffee don’t you?”
She doesn’t answer. Walks to the back and looks in the kitchen. There are vials and glass beakers and copper pots with latches. Swirling glass tubes lead to a wooden funnel filled with small black iron balls. There’s a metal hand crank connected to a system of rope pulleys. “God damn it,” she opens a drawer with forty different neatly organized glass stir sticks. “I just knew they wouldn’t have a Mr. Coffee.”
The Jade Emperor and Randy stand on a hill overlooking the great wall of the peach garden, the lights in the house glow as an occasional shadow moves past the window.
“See” he says, “they’re getting along. I told you this would work.
“You are wise beyond your years,” Randy says looking concerned. “What shall I tell the Empress?”
“We don’t need to bother her about every little thing.”
Back in The Royal Chambers, he pulls the sheets as The Jade Emperor climbs into bed. He sets a glass of water on the nightstand then stops at the window, gazing out to The Peach Garden below, the tree limbs jutting up into the dimming sky, the lights of the house glaring back at him. He rests his hands on the window sill, then, feeling something poke him, looks down to a small pink flamingo. Skinny legs, bent, standing on a tuft of molded green grass, its wings about to open as it calls out. He pinches the head then snaps it off, holds it between his fingers, the black hooked beak pressing into his skin. He turns to leave, then stops, goes back, leaves the head on the sill, the wild eye of the flamingo staring up to the golden dragon filigreed into the ceiling above.