13
Zhang Li stirs his tea surrounded by the morning bustle, the peacock handler heating up his ramen chatting with a drowsy royal bather texting her no-good son-in-law who’s once again called in sick on account of his ‘broken’ toe. The Empress’s makeup girls are gossiping, clicking their nails on the counter as The Heavenly Gardener enters with a "Hey fat boy,” smirking as he waits for the microwave. Li ignores him, finishes his tea, pours the Mr. Coffee into a jade cup then heads for the door.
“That time already?” The Royal Bather asks not looking up from her phone.
He gives a curt Zhang Li smile, the one he’s famous for, then pads down the carpet, coffee chest high as he enters the kitchen, squeezes through a pack of Heavenly Chefs smoking and laughing about someone named “Hong”, politely nods to the servers folding and rolling their skirts trying to hide the stains then pushes through the swinging doors to The Heavenly Banquet Hall. There’s the flower arranger, a cherry blossom in his teeth, two young servant girls rolling out fifty-foot table cloths and the ceramic statue of The Protector Of Peaches, languidly holding a ripening peach, offering it up to the man polishing it with his terry cloth towel.
Li cuts through The Heavenly Garden, past the succulents and hydrangeas overflowing in seas of pink and purple, the stone dragon snaking it’s way around a scepter, water pouring from its mouth, splashing in the seashell basin below as a group of peacocks strut, their tales folded, pecking at the cobblestone floor for seed. Down the hall musicians are tuning their instruments, others have towels over their faces, soaking up the last bit of cold as they sweat out the whiskey from the night before. He stops in front of a disheveled violinist, peels the towel from his face and hangs it on his music stand. The man shields his eyes then relaxes seeing Li’s large frame standing over him.
“Didn’t see you last night.” He wipes his face with the back of his sleeve. “Hear what happened to Lao Tzu?” Li nods. “Don’t know what’s worse, waiting on them,” he points a finger to the floor, “or…” squints at the light streaming through the stained glass. “These god damn…” shields his eyes again, “whoever decided to put east facing windows in the Heavenly Jade Hallway is…”
“Don’t say it.”
He folds his arms across his chest.
“So what was so important you couldn’t come last night?” Li searches for an answer then looks at his watch. “What’re you doing with that thing? Time is for the living or however the saying goes.”
He tilts it so the gold reflects in the light.
“It’s a heavenly watch. It keeps heavenly time.”
The violinist laughs.
“That’s a Swatch watch. You’re not fooling anyone with that thing.”
Li looks down at the gold plastic casing, the large dial with oversized numbers then raises the coffee to his chest.
“I expect this morning’s song will be as wondrous and heavenly as always?”
He snorts.
“It better be. We’ve been playing the same damn song for three thousand years.”
Li heads down the hallway, stops in front of two massive doors, nods to the guards on either side, inspects himself in the distorted reflection of the gold embossed dragon then lifts the seven-clawed-knocker and raps lightly.
“Your majesty?”
He waits.
Knocks again.
“Your majesty,” he says with more force, presses his ear and hears an unfamiliar voice.
“I ain’t sayin’ Clay ain’t bad. I’m just sayin’ I stopped liking Cassius Clay once he changed his name to Mohammed Ali. What kind of shit is that?”
He pulls back, his brow winkling as he calculates the punishment of cold coffee vs. entering uninvited then cracks the door and peeks in. The Jade Emperor is splayed out on his circular yin-yang sheeted California king, gold and red dragon boxers, a Casey's pizza beside him, eyes glued to the 88” TV. He picks up a slice and takes a bite as Li quietly shuts the door behind him, carries the coffee over and sets it on the bedside table. The Jade Emperor takes a sip as Li bends over a DVD box on the floor.
a black man
with a gold crown
a thousand feet tall
leaning on a sea of skyscrapers
fist raised to his chest
smiling
“Another American movie,” Li says setting it on the nightstand.
The Jade Emperor gives a slight nod as the shot cuts to an elderly Jewish man.
“A man has the right to change his name to whatever he wants to change it to and if a man wants to be called Mohammed Ali…God damn it. This is a free country. You should respect his wishes and call the man Mohammed Ali.”
Li works his way around the room, picking up stray socks, coffee cups, wadded up tissues. He stops in front of one of the two curved curio-cabinets that flank the screen, wipes the glass down as he examines The Jade Emperor’s collection of Americana.
40 oz QT cups
fuzzy dice
hot wheels
pink muscle men
gummy snakes coiled around
bowling trophies with gold plaques
that say “Rick Gunya - 2nd place”
plastic lobster Christmas lights hang in front of
an old copy of People
the red jagged rip
separating Brad and Jennifer
cuts its way down to
a Descartes action figure
head bitten off
glued back in place
slightly askew looking over to
a rubber Predator
holding a small misshapen spinal cord
mask off
grinning a terrible alien grin
staring googly-eyed
back at Zhang Li
"Someone told me Casey's pizza was good." The Jade Emperor pauses the movie, throws the half-eaten slice back in the box, wrinkles his nose. “It's not, by the way."
Li finishes wiping down the glass.
“Would you like me to remove it your majesty?"
"I'll eat it.” He picks up another slice. “It’s fine,” looks at Li standing in front of his collection. “Zhang Li,” he says feeling the name in his mouth. "Why does everything have to be so….” He sits up. “Just once I’d like a servant named Rick or Steve or Randy."
Li puts his hands behind his back and tilts his chin at attention.
"Would you like to call me Randy, your majesty?" The Jade Emperor rolls over on his side, thinks it over then gives a nod. Randy picks the robes off the floor and throws them in the wicker hamper, makes his way to the bed. “Is your majesty ready for The Heavenly Report?”
He tosses the remote on the bed.
”Let’s get it over with.”
Randy pulls a scroll from his sleeve.
“You have a Royal Heavenly Banquet scheduled this afternoon with The Empress. She asked you not be late and that you wear something more,” he clears his throat, “official.” He waits for a response, and seeing none is coming, continues, “We’re still having that issue in the kitchen. I’ve asked The Heavenly Dragon of Thunder and Lightning to look into what it would take to get a larger electrical box installed so the breakers won’t keep getting flipped when we run The Heavenly Oven and The Heavenly Dishwasher at the same time.”
“Fix it. What else?”
Randy scans down the list.
“The Heavenly Peach Banquet is almost upon us and The Empress has reluctantly accepted some of your changes with slight modifications that I hope you will…”
“Whatever she wants. I get to keep the cars right?”
Randy looks up.
“Would your majesty like to hear her stipulations in full?”
“Your right. Skip it. I’m sure it’s fine. What else?”
He hesitates over the next line.
“The Heavenly King’s were dispatched as you requested.”
The Jade Emperor sits up.
“And?”
“They are…” he ponders the most diplomatic way to phrase it, “still in pursuit.”
The Jade Emperor takes his thumb and pushes it down on the pizza crumbs then sticks it in his mouth, looks at the slices left in the box.
"Tell me if this is crazy but…peaches on pizza?” He looks up for approval. “There’s pineapple. Why not peaches?”
Randy frowns then walks over to the window, draws the curtain just in time for the second glorious heavenly sunrise. A thousand rays of pure gold peak over a waterfall as a flock of birds swell up to make a black swirling heart that bursts into twelve heavenly rainbows that shoot out in all directions across the sky. Randy looks over to The Jade Emperor who is busy reading the back of the DVD.
“Special features? It’s just the trailer and an interview with the director.” He glances over at the majestic rainbow mandala in the sky. “Only twelve?”
“I will have a word with The Heavenly Master of Mist and Rain,” he says making his way over to the Heavenly Closet, fingering through the robes before pulling out a black one with a giant dragon on the back.
“I’m serious about this peach thing. You think I’m going to forget. Peaches on pizza. This is big.”
Randy opens his mouth then decides against it, cracks the door, whispers to the guard outside then closes it again. The Jade Emperor pulls himself out of bed and stretches in front of his three way mirror.
“What kind of day is it going to be Randy?”
“A perfect day your majesty.”
“Cut the crap. You don’t have to...” He pats his stomach. “Read the iChing while I do my stretches.”
Randy pics up an iPad, touches the iChing app, virtually throws some coins then reads,
“The Thunderstorm inseminates the swelling Lake,
then moves on where the Lake cannot follow:
The Superior person views passing trials
in the light of Eternal Truths.
Any action will prove unfortunate.
Nothing furthers.”
He sets the iPad down as The Jade Emperor leans into a lunge.
“I thought these were supposed to be eternal truths? Now I’m just thinking about a thunderstorm having sex with a lake.” He leans into the other leg. “I don’t like the sound of it Randy,” stands and reaches his hands toward the ceiling. “Passing trials?” Bends over and touches his toes. “I did watchJudge Judy last night.”
“I believe it’s more of…a metaphor.”
He stands and cracks his neck.
“Forget it. Bring me my robe.”
Randy drapes it over him, brushes out the wrinkles, slips on the Heavenly Just-So-Slippers then stands at attention.
“There is one last thing,” he says making sure to look him in the eyes.
The Jade Emperor scrutinizes his face looking for signs of worry.
“I got someone pregnant again.”
"Not that your majesty. I have a report back from,” he looks back toward the door, “the place that shall not be named."
"Oh," the Jade Emperor crosses his arms. "You sent someone to...the other heaven?" His voice tightens. "What was it like? Was it nicer than here?" Randy holds out a roll of parchment which he ignores. "So he sacrificed himself for humanity. We’ve all made sacrifices.”
Randy clears his throat.
“We certainly have.”
The Jade Emperor gives him a look then decides to ignore it.
“I hear they’ve got good coffee. Is that true?”
“I’m sure it would be in the report.”
He starts pacing.
"How many people know about this?”’
”A handful.”
“We’ll I don’t know what to do.” The Jade Emperor stops in front of the window, looks out to his Heavenly Court.
“You want my advice?” Randy says stripping the bed and pillow cases. “Don’t do anything.” He tosses them in the wicker hamper. “As they say, ‘The superior person views passing trials in the light of eternal truths.’”
“Yes, they do say that. But they have been wrong before.” He takes his place in front of the door, stares off deep in thought. “How does a storm have sex with a lake?”
Randy places the crown on his head.
“However it wants your majesty.”
The doors swing open, the trumpets blare and the violins swell as The Jade Emperor strides down the carpet, the colored light from the stained glass dances along with the music as Randy follows behind with his coffee. The peacocks, startled by the song, flap their wings and let out a horrible screeching sound, eventually settling as they enter The Heavenly Garden. One stops in front of The Jade Emperor, cranes its neck and peers up at him. He scoots it out of the way with his foot then sits in his chair on the veranda as the music dies and his coffee is set on the table.
Randy see’s two heavenly hosts approach, heads them off, takes a large folder they’re carrying, whispers something then sends them away as he resumes his post.
“What was that?”
Randy looks over.
"It was nothing.”
”I know nothing when I see it.” He takes a sip. “That wasn’t nothing.”
”Your majesty.” Randy gives a slight bow. “Remember when you got mad at the Ho family because the youngest stepped on your robe when your were coming out of that restaurant, the one you like so much, with the gold umbrellas?”
“And?”
“Well, you told us to give his wife cancer, which we did, but now he's made an offering of $5,000 so I didn't know what you wanted to do."
The Jade Emperor mulls it over.
"Do you have it here?"
"We put it in the royal treasury."
"Of course.” A plate of steak and eggs is served which he pokes at with his fork. “Has he…been good?”
”I have his file,” Randy says holding out the thick folder.
He cuts the steak and takes a bite as Randy withdraws the folder.
”I’m sure he’s doing his best,” rubs his temples with his thumb and forefinger. “Damn it, you know how I feel about making these decisions before breakfast.” He takes another sip. “Cure her cancer, but…make her worry about it for another year or two.” He stands pushing his chair out. ”This is supposed to be my chamber of solitude Randy! How am I supposed to…” A peacock stops and stares. “And these birds. Look at them. Their beady little eyes. They freak me out.” It cocks its head then pecks at the ground. “And how come they never fan their tales out for me?”
Randy looks down at the bird, its magnificent plumage hidden under a coat of shimmering green.
“I believe it’s a mating gesture, your majesty.”
”Well, talk to them, will you? They should fan it out a little more. Not just, you know, when they want some.” He walks out, coffee in hand, past The Heavenly Porch Furniture and down the stairs to The Jade Pool, drops his robe as Randy catches up with him just in time to slather his back with lotion. He dives in, takes a lap then lounges on his vinyl curly-pool-dragon as Randy takes his spot on his deck chair, puts his visor on, and unfolds The Heavenly Dispatch.
"Randy?” He lowers the paper and raises his chin at attention. “I've thought it over and I want to try something new today.” The Jade Emperor paddles closer with both hands. “Instead of the whole ‘majesty’ thing. What if everyone calls me...Mr. Heaven?”
Randy folds the paper in his lap.
"Mr. Heaven, your majesty?”
“Mr. Heaven sounds more…I don’t know. Couldn’t you see a manga titled ‘Mr. Heaven’?” He puts his jade sunglasses on and leans back against the hot vinyl. “Why aren’t there more mangas about me Randy? I’m the ruler of the heaven. Instead it’s The Monkey King this and The Monkey King that. Why him Randy?”
“I believe it’s his…rambunctiousness.”
“Everybody loves the rebel. Nobody loves The Man.” He pulls his sunglasses down. “God damn it, Randy, when did I become The Man?”
“You are the ruler of heaven.”
He paddles over for his coffee, takes small sips as he soaks up the sun.
“Anyway, if you could let people know I want to be called that but don’t let them know I know. Just say that’s my name now. I don’t want to look…” He searches for the right words. “You know what I mean. Make it casual.”
“I will talk to the Heavenly Royal Announcer,” Randy says unfolding his paper and reading the top headline,
ANOTHER PERFECT DAY? YES.
He skims though the articles then turns to the back and starts on the crossword, fills in some clues then taps his pencil on the deck chair. The Jade Emperor peeks over.
“Give it to me Randy?”
“Eight letter word for a semi-autonomous region in Tanzania?”
“Zanzibar.”
“Correct as always,” he says counting out the letters and filling it in.
“How the hell do I know that Randy?”
He looks over the top of his paper.
“Because, you’re Mr. Heaven.”
The Jade Emperor smiles as he leans back.
“That’s right. I am.”
An hour and three cups of coffee later Randy is pulling on The Jade Emperor’s last gold boot, polishes it with his shirt then stands as they take their position in front of two massive red curtains.
“I almost forgot to tell you. Your gift has arrived for The Empress. I put it in the requested spot but I would once again advise that…”
“It’s here!” The Jade Emperor draws the curtain back and enters,
One thousand foot arched ceilings
with beams of light shining like columns
The hall is packed with heavenly guests
all seated and waiting impatiently
as the heat from the beams
makes it quite hot
and the air conditioning
falls through the heavenly cloud floor
which does not make for good insulation
The heavenly guests look up as the violins swell
and the trumpets blare
as Jade Emperor walks over to his throne
carved with all the animals of the zodiac
and sitting in front of the
nine shining stars reflecting of all creation
is a grey ottoman
he ordered from Target
“Now entering the Throne Room…” Everyone stands as the announcer clears his throat, reads the paper twice making sure he got it right. “Now entering the throne room, with his new name, Mr. Heaven.”
The Jade Emperor cover his face.
“This is so humiliating,” uncovers it. “I’m already here. I’m sitting right here! Do you want me to come in again?” He looks out into the audience. “Forget it. Just sit down.”
The audience is seated as the announcer’s voice again booms across the room.
“Everyone stand for Dǒumǔ, Mother of the Great Chariot, Mazu, Queen of Heaven, Golden Mother of Tortoise Mountain, Xiwangmu, Goddess of Life and Death, Mysterious Lady of the Nine Heavens, Mother and Wife to the Jade...I mean...Mr. Heaven. The Empress!"
Raucous applause breaks out as she floats in on a lotus blossom, eight arms holding eight different objects, long black hair pulled up in a bun. She steps off the blossom and sits on her throne as the cheers continue, demurely smiles and lowers her hands, as the heavenly guests take their seats as the room grows quiet. She looks down at the grey cushiony ottoman then over to her husband.
"Darling,” he gives a big smile. “It's a present. For you. I thought you might want something more…exotic. You know, something that wasn't red and gold and had dragons all over it."
Her eyes narrow as The Jade Emperor walks over.
"Look, it's got this storage compartment so you can put, I don't know, little statues in it,” he opens and closes it, "and it's made out of Polyester so it's easy to clean and it has what they call an ‘espresso wood finish’. And what else does it say?" He pulls out his phone and scrolls through the description. "The ottoman combines a classic design with modern flair. The polyester cover gives a timeless touch,'" he looks over for her approval, "that adds a functional yet stylish accent to any living space,” his hand motions across the throne room. "and look, on their website they have this image and if you click on it, you can move it around and see it from all the different angles. Oh, and you can take a picture and send it to them and then you can see what it looks like!"
She looks at the picture then back to him.
"Are you telling me,” she folds all eight hands in her lap, “that you took a picture of the Royal Heavenly Throne Room and sent it to," she glances down at his phone, "Target?
"Baby,” a small sweat breaks out over his body, “when you say it like that it sounds...bad."
A Heavenly Server holding a plate of peaches pushes his way through the crowd, looking at the paper ticket he was given and not much else. Randy rushes over to try and stop him but it’s too late.
"Zhang Li,” the Empress says noticing the commotion, “are those my Immortal Heavenly Peaches that I serve at the Heavenly Peach Banquet every 6,000 years? Bring them here." He bows before her and offers up the plate as she picks up a slice. "What are you doing with these?"
"They are for,” he looks over nervously. “his majesty’s pizza."
She places the peach back on the plate as if it were diseased.
"And was this pizza prepared by The Royal Heavenly Cooks in our Heavenly Kitchen?"
Randy bows further.
"It was not your highness."
"And where may I ask did the Jade Emperor procure this pizza?" Randy looks over to The Jade Emperor. "Don't look at him Zhang Li. Tell me where you got it."
Randy lowers his head further and says quietly, "A gas station. Called Casey's. In Nevada," and then with a little more emphasis, "I've heard it's quite good."
The Empress arches her back as she stares a hole through the back of his head.
"So the Jade Emperor was going to put my Heavenly Immortal Peaches, the one’s that grant us immortality, on a pizza that you got him from a gas station in the state known as Nevada? Do I have this correct?"
Randy is now visibly sweating and bows even further so his face is touching the ground.
"Not quite your majesty. Nevada is also a town…in Missouri."
"Oh, even better,” a smile curves across her face. "I'm glad the Jade Emperor decided not to get one of those fancy Las Vegas pizzas and instead went to," she says this part slowly, "Nevada, Missouri,” see’s Randy trembling. “Don’t worry Zhang Li. You may rise.” He bows profusely then stands. “I do have one other question for you. My ears must not be working properly because I swore that when my husband was introduced, they called him…”
Randy cringes. “Mr. Heaven, your highness.”
"That was it" she looks over for the first time to her husband, who, with each passing moment is shrinking further into his throne. “Has anyone else had a name change I should know about today?”
Randy looks down at his feet.
"I am now to be called…Randy.”
The Empress raises an eyebrow.
"I would like you to do something for me Zhang Li," she says, her tone getting softer but somehow more threatening. "First I would like to you to take my Heavenly Immortal Peaches and feed them to my thousand-eyed-tiger then I would like you to come back and take this," she says pointing to the Target Ottoman, "and burn it in Lao Tzu's furnace until there is absolutely nothing left of it. Then I would like you to tell my husband, The Jade Emperor, that his presence is required for dinner tonight." She takes Zhang Li’s hand in hers and looks calmly into his eyes. "Do you understand everything I've said?"
"Yes, your highness!" Zhang Li says picking up the plate and rushing out of the room.
The Empress and her husband sit in silence overlooking the throne room, their subjects staring back. Someone coughs and a few people turn to look. The Jade Emperor clears his throat, taps his fingers on the arms of his throne then manages a glance over to his wife.
"So...you didn't like the ottoman?"
Her glare sears through the side of his face.
"There are more important things to deal with than this," she says pointing to the grey polyester. "Mara is here and he wants to know what you've done with his daughter."
The Jade Emperor gulps as the doors of the throne room are thrown open and the halls burst into flame as a great black shadow of a horned demon enters, his crown of skulls and blue skin set ablaze, a long green snake curled around his neck as he walks with thunderous footsteps, his pig nose sniffing the strange mix of sulfur and incense, the tiger skin wrapped around his waist billows with each stride, as his third eye frantically searches the room and fixes its gaze upon him.
